Upon returning from vacation this summer, I found an e-mail in which a girl asked my advice to help a friend, aged 17, who was abused by her boyfriend: forbidden to speak to other kids, to come out without it, who uses the messenger, I deleted all contacts from the phone, fought with her if she put her skirt .. As usual, he blamed her for the whole situation.
fights, arguments, accusations and prohibitions came to a head at four months, and the threat of leaving, he made some concessions, prompting her to continue with that relationship.
The intensity of fighting increased, and their hostility rose to her every day, "'re a whore", "I hope you die!, saying the threat to be killed because of him ... And between a flare and another, " I is that I love you ... "" I will not do that again ... "" I'm very sad ... "and so on.
One day she tells him to leave because "they saw him with another ..." and then, as expected, he hit for the first time.
Her response was "final" left him ... and ... > ("I'm so sorry ..." "I do not know how I" "I'm very sorry ..." Before I cut my hands touch you ... ") have returned to be together.
When his friend asked why he had gone with him, she replied that "he changed" which "was the best month of his life," which "were bad he was ready" and that "he wants "and" never again to abuse "...
* * *
are 17 years ... What life awaits?
"I've always lived world of him ... "
All abuser is a torturer who seeks rational and emotional domination of his victim. This domain is possible only by destroying their autonomy, and this destruction is achieved when the perpetrator gets his victim isolate themselves and others.
But beware, this domain is not complete if the victim does not represent a consensual submission, and even desired. What causes the phenomenon of abuse is long lasting.
How could this happen?
"You hold on, hold on you. All women have a cross to bear ... "Throughout
of our early years we all learn to communicate with others through interaction with our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, etc. In addition to acquiring communicative structures that allow us to discriminate contexts, and establish meaningful relationships with others, grasp a set of values \u200b\u200bthat shape our world emotionally and cognitively significant.
is, individuals not born in a vacuum, but within a culture that provides all the structural elements from which we become socially adept individuals. The view we are establishing here is simple: humans interact in the world as a target performing a "vision" of what is and / or should be the reality. Of what are and should be our relationships with others, etc. What makes our ways of acting in the world are not independent of our ways of thinking and values, but these modes have more to do with the emotions (images) that the "reasons." Finally, with this complex mechanism, meaning we provide not only the world in which I will act, but all the relationships that we will set it (and I hope he goes to engage with me), so communication structures that are articulated as innate modes of signifying relationships.
The example of this is reflected in what I call Syndrome Syndrome Clan and Heloise (see my book Mae's loneliness. An anthropological investigation of domestic violence ), a set of symptoms that significantly determine the behavior of women interacting with men, from a double perspective: on one side from the value system that represents the feminine in relation to masculinity, in the context of the family, that is, the woman as wife and mother From another side, from the system of values \u200b\u200bthat represent the dark and light feeling we call love. Of course both sets of values \u200b\u200bare interdependent.
also the whole cultural context is not independent of our nature: physiological and evolutionary, which tends to form dependency relationships biochemistry and instinctive.
"I wanted to stay with it, because removing the poles, which was something big, in other respects was not a bad person ... I wanted to be a normal family"
Our system of relations, therefore, is rooted in depths of our cultural and biological being and in this context from which the offender operates to subject the victim to a process of domination.
The process can be expressed through a psychological domination scheme (See Herman "Captive" in Jail love 2005, and Lenore Walker, 1979) in which the victim is subjected to an emotional context pathogen: fear (the mate) / gratitude (for spares his life), degradation (because it controls your body) / exaltation (it dims the control) and axiological violation (because it requires the victim to betray all their value system.)
But this scheme is not exclusive to domestic abuse, but is the same one used by the hijackers political, prostitution rings, sects and, of course, domestic abusers.
However, in domestic violence the victim is taken prisoner through violence but through love (a biological / cultural), and is not kept in prison with chains and bars, but by the cultural values \u200b\u200bof the family.
As the complement system (dominance / submission) which are organized under our domestic relations, the victim emotionally centered around the functions that are proper in that system of relationships (wife / mother), the offender focuses on persuasion values \u200b\u200bthat underpin these relationships until the victim gets to the basic unit of cognitive and emotional survival, as she and her abuser. And from here, the domestic relationship becomes pathogenic.
In fact, the whole relationship with the perpetrator, the victim is always subject to a triple context of interpretation must combine: to what you expect and want from your relationship (love can not be violence) as the that is required of her as a mother and wife (the family is their area of \u200b\u200bresponsibility) and the domination of abusive behavior (which is not required but expected).
intracontextual In this situation, a beating is not meant as aggressive behavior, criminal and immoral that precludes a relationship, but as a behavior "exceptional" motivated by reasons beyond the relationship itself (disease, drugs, excess love ...) and can be corrected through love, communication, etc.
Over time, this behavior is normalized by the victim (see the relationship through his eyes), producing a morbid system of relationships, both physical and moral perspective, which will lose its autonomy ("I've always lived in the world of him ..." ) and set their life experiences, including suffering through the patterns that mark her attacker (" But I always hoped to change ... From courthouse door 2 or 3 times: "Please do not leave me ...." And I'm back "). At this point, the complete domination has occurred and the victim is left to itself ... ("A Sunday on the beach, gave me a huge beating. I left as I could from the house and saw police officers ... but I could not denounce. ")
When will we start to pull our issue seriously and create effective models of prevention? ...
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